24 June 2009

Skånetrafiken is now beyond funked up!

In addition to my post yesterday, I have to further the crusade against the horrible public transport system of Skåne. This morning Mette and I had to take the bus to the Swebus Expres (cheaper) bus to Copenhagen airport.

Upon arriving to the bus stop with around 50kgs of heavy luggage, we hopped on the bus bound for Nyhamnen, the stop after the central station. We checked this out on Skånetrafikens website before going, and there was no mention of any abnormailities on the route. Upon arriving at Malmo Centralstation, the bus driver decided to disappear, and we were left waiting in the bus...not unusual when they change drivers. We had to wait 10 minutes before a new driver even showed up. (fortunately we took the earlier bus, giving us 15 minutes to make it to the connecting bus). When he finally showed up, he took a wrong turn and lead us about a kilometer away from where we needed to be, and we had around 5 minutes to walk/run there with our suitcases. No apologies, no explanations, they just funked up our plans.

Once getting off the bus, Mette and I rushed and fortunately, the kind staff at Swebus express waited for us. We got there around 3-5 minutes late, but they waited, loaded our luggage and we were on our way to the airport. In transit, the bus made up time and we made it safely to the airport in good time.

I would highly recommend the Swebus express service, they were nice, helpful and half the price of Skånetrafiken. If you don't mind waiting 10 minutes more to get to the airport, its a great option.

22 June 2009

Skånetrafiken is funked up!

Two in two days...talk about a frustrating time.

Skånetrafiken, where do we start. For those who don't know, the public transport services here in Sweden are divided up by region. For our region in the south of Sweden (Skåne) the service is offered by Skånetrafiken. Skånetrafiken are the inconsistent body, who control the buses and trains in the area, and serverely struggle to get it right.

My biff with Skånetrafiken goes back a long way...from their drastic overpricing for a service of diminishing quality, to the bus drivers who don't stop when you press the 'stop' button (happened several times when mom was visiting from Australia, and more). Their only reasonably priced service is the 'Sommerkort' (Summer card) which allows you to take 50 trips for 485kr (so around $2 a trip, anywhere within Skåne). This is in stark contrast to their usual pricing...a domestic journey within Malmö setting you back 19SEK (around $3.50 for something you could walk in the same time), and a one way trip from Malmö to Lund costing over 40SEK ($8), for what is usually a 10-15 minute bus trip from Malmö Värnhem. To quote my friend Jessica 'they should also have a winter card, spring card and autumn card'. Couldn't have said it better myself!

Further still, the staff of the buses/trains are often rude, unhelpful and inconsistent. While they'll allow their friend to hop on the bus without paying, they'll close the door as you are about to hop onto the bus and drive off.

Today was a day where I experienced the true wonders of this system. Due to the change of schedule of the usual bus route I took to university (171), I was unable to get to the part of Lund I desire. So I went onto the website last night and found a bus which would get me to the Central station. I walked down to the bus stop in Malmö, and hopped on the bus, to find that I needed to recharge my travelcard. So I asked the driver to charge it up for 200kr, and because he did not know how to do his job, he wouldn't let me ride the bus. He said I had to go into the 'shop' and recharge the card, and consequently I had to wait 30m for the next bus.

Coming back from a lovely day out in Lund, I had to find a place to board the bus back to Malmö. As the route 171 has been cut short, I could not board the bus at the Hospital. I walked to Scheeleparken, where the buses were meant to begin from according to the new revised schedule. (actually they are meant to run from Delfinen, but for some reason don't) After waiting half an hour at Scheeleparken, without a bus showing up, I decided to walk to the next bus stop. (in which time my purchased ticket ran out) When getting to Ole Römers väg, a bus came after 10 minutes, where I told the driver how long I had been waiting, and that consequently my ticket had expired. She frankly didn't care, made me pay for another ticket to Malmö, and said that I should know (who knows how) that the return bus leaves from Ole Römers väg and the bus to Lund only goes to Scheeleparken. With no signage at any of their bus stops, heaven knows how I/anyone else should be aware of this.

Fortunately, for my next journey, I plan to evade the 'monopolistic' system, and use Swebus express, who offer cheaper options if you book in advance. Copenhagen for 45SEK (OW) from Malmö...thats less than half the price on the Skånetrafiken/DSB service.

21 June 2009

Fringes are Funked Up!

What is it about fringes...they suck, and women just don't get it. Neither do Dutch footballers who all manage to look like pornstars. They just opt for disgusting lengths of horsemane laying before their eyes (in some cases covering their eyes) as if they are trying to hide something...I ask 'what are you hiding, and why is it so ugly that we cannot see it'.

My hatred for fringes dates back a long time, almost as far back as my hatred of the bow-tie. The worst form of fringe being named 'the Chloe fringe' (after an age old horrible Home and Away actress), spanning from left to right ear and the flat line of death going directly across the forehead. It almost looks like one massive monobrow, which is somehow linked to the rest of the womans hair. Fact is, NOBODY LIKES THEM! We are forced to endure the torture of fashion shows, where hortoculture (Haute Couture) is the new black, and the ridiculous is on display. Then you see some undersized pale Estonian model, walking with hair down to her nose, while wearing a salad mixture of fruit, green dress (probably signifying vegetables), fully knowing that it will never be worn outside of the catwalks in Milan. (the worlds most funked up city). You then see the camp world in awe over the artistic impression, and of course that fine touch of elongated fringework. Fact is, the pale Estonian model probably has the most beautiful ice cold blue eyes, and you are missing all of the fun, because some ridiculous fringe has covered it up.

People should be well aware that hair belongs on top of the head going backwards...or alternatively, none at all.

Note the funked up things in todays post:
Dutch footballers (and Dutch hair)
Bow ties

Hopefully not so long for the next funked up post.

19 April 2009

Hemköp is really funked up

So, as most people living in Sweden (generally a vast majority) you need to go grocery shopping every now and then. In Malmö, you generally have five options. ICA and Coop who are the main producers and hold 90% of the market share in Supermarkets in Sweden. Netto are the Danish invaders, who are the low cost option (with generally lower quality fresh produce), and there's always the market down at Möllan. But the one, which is pure disgusting in Hemköp.

For those reading this blog whom are unfamiliar with the Swedish language, its pronounced 'hem-shop' and translates literally as 'Home shop'. Its not your normal milkbar, its a perfectly legitimate supermarket and its an external addition to the new Entré shopping centre. This place is certainly not where you shop if you're not rich.

As you enter Hemköp, you are directed to your left where you first come across the breads selection. The same pågen bread you buy at Netto or Coop, with the same date on it charged at 5kr more than at Netto. ($1 Australian) There's also another variety of 'gourmet breads', which you'd struggle to find anything different in ICA's cabinets, also for a ridiculous markup.

You continue ahead to the fruit and vegetables, where you can find some real exotic apples, oranges and bananas (the same you find at any other store). It is normal in Hemköp to pay 35kr per kilo ($7) for apples, or bananas. Compared to Möllan, where you can buy these for 10-15kr, you are paying over double the price at Hemköp.

Surely this would have to be different looking at the meat department. Of course not...their finest cuts of mincemeat (thats right, beef mince) are 120kr ($24) a kilo. Chicken breast, is none other than 170SEK ($34) and finally you can find pre-sliced pre-packaged steak for as much as 380SEK ($78) per kilo. And its not even Wagyu beef, its non-organic imported from Ireland. Probably on the same delivery truck that brought the pre-sliced pre-packaged beef to Netto for 60SEK a kilo.

I went to Hemköp for one reason and one reason only, olive oil. They have one brand (Carbonell) which I have grown up with in Australia, and its price is only slightly more than the standard for extra virgin olive oil in Sweden 70kr ($14) a litre. Comparing it though to the price mom and dad buy it in Australia, I can remember then once buying the 4 litre drums of Carbonell for $15, though it was a couple of years ago. But putting it into perspective, inclusive of the markup it cost(ed) the same in Australia to buy 4 litres of olive oil that it costs for 1 litre here. How does this work? Spain is just up the road, a train trip away, and there's no tariffs as its within the EU. So somehow, for this Olive oil to be transported within Europe to Hemköp's shelves, without tax enables them to charge such a ridiculous price, compared to Australia where it has to be shipped over 10,000 miles, with four times the amount of oil in the drum.

Hemköp is not only funked up, but its a bloody ripoff!

11 April 2009

Craig and his funked up list

A new week, a new funked up adventure, whats different this time? Well nothing, essentially, so allow me to proceed to the most funked up list the world has ever seen.

Can anyone please tell me who the funk Craig is, and why does he deserve his own list? What is his list about even? The only Craig's I can think of are:
Craig Reucassel - one of the funnier Chaser boys
Craig McLaughlan - A hack of an actor
Craig Conroy - Left the Flames for Los Angeles, only to come back again as he missed his high points courtesy of Calgary Flames superstar Jarome Iginla.

So, going on my calculations it would have to be one of these guys who came up with this stupid list. Anywho, I was looking at apartments in Melbourne this last week, and came across three on this 'list'. I wrote to all three, in the hope that I could find something of interest. I get the first reply 5 minutes after emailing this guy. The lovely and very caring man wrote back so quickly, to let me know that he was a Christian missionary serving in West Africa. How caring! He also sent pictures of a very 'hotel' looking apartment in the centre of the city, he was looking to rent out for $800 a month. BARGAIN! The next day I get a second reply, yet another Christian missionary doing Gods dirty work for him in West Africa...and the third, much the same, only labelling it a 'crusade'. Likening yourself to Indiana Jones/Harrison Ford never goes too far with me. Or perhaps was he trying to be Monty Python. On that note, to always look on the bright side of life, we acknowledge that Craigslist is a crock for apartments. Probably should have learnt my lesson, as around a year ago I was searching for jobs before i was recommended Craigslist in Stockholm. After applying for a travel agency job, I found someone quick to tell me I had the power to start my own travel agency and make millions in only hours. Wonderful, all of these opportunities could solve all of my life problems in just minutes. I never replied, but they kept on writing back encouraging me that the best thing I could do with my life is start a travel agency, and pay for their startup kit. Got a feeling, the bank account was probably lined up to some missionary station in West Africa, or something.

Anyways, being so depressed by all these Christian Missionaries saving the world in West Africa, I decided the best thing I can do for myself is find myself a nice Lesbian, for while my girlfriend is at university. Craigslist is also good for this, you can find women seeking women or even missed connections. After my inability to find any lesbians in all of Sweden (they must not exist, like there are no gays in Iran), I started searching for a missed connection. A guy from Florida was looking for a girl from Stockholm, the city of bikes who works at McDonalds. So I wrote to him, to suprise him that I have filled his dreams and hopes of finding me. I also let him know I made a record 6 Big Macs in one minute. He was impressed, before he also let me know he was a born again Christian missionary in West Africa. He needed some money to continue his pilgramage, however unfortunately for him, my 'McDonalds salary' doesn't quite cover his work. Too bad, but I told him, next time he was in Stockholm to contact me. Name: Linda Rosing, phone number 0755-callmenow.

4 April 2009

The Funked up world of Fogh

In the beginning...wait too lame

Once upon a time...just as bad

Right, bugger this lets get straight into it. We have now entered day 3 of 'Fogh vision' on Danish television, and naturally my fiancé has capitalized on the author of 'the minimalist state's' TV exposure. Thats right, you could not possibly want to watch anything else until its official that he's become the latest pet of NATO. What is it with NATO anyway, its just an excuse for Americans to have a base in European countries. Back on topic, it seems that Anders Fogh Rasmussen may have hit a hickup...he forgot about when his fellow nationalist idiot who drew offensive pictures of the prophet Mohammad. This has pissed off the Turks, and they don't want Fogh as the new NATO guy, however the Dane's insist they have done nothing wrong. After all, they allowed Mohammad to come 3rd in X-Factor, it must all be ok now. That leads me to another problem. Remee...WHAT AN IDIOT! Seriously, I don't think i've seen such a try hard since the 2003 Junior Eurovision Song Contest. I wonder who it was who hosted that show...'yoyoyo Welcome to Copenhagen dude'.

And so the saga continues, we await approval of Fogh for NATO, and we hear that now Angela Merkel is crying because an agreement wasn't made in Germany, meanwhile Silvio Berlusconi is calling his 'connections' to take care of the Turkish president. Anders Fogh, you will owe Uncle Silvio after this one.

So another saturday, and another day of Bjarke and X-Factor re-runs. Seriously, that girl does not know how to sing! I have no idea how she won, her name was Linda or something, and she was another of those girls who thinks to prove their musical skill they can sing Mercy by Duffy. The song was crap to begin with, and its even worse when this fool is trying to sing it. Making matters even worse, she crossed the line by singing the worlds worst artist (Pink)'s So What...it was more jumping and out of breathe than singing, but hey, Denmark votes for that.

With Eurovision around the corner, the excitement is rising here. Swede's are sure that they are going to win, as usual. Ah, their arrogance...I can't wait until it doesn't make the final, and Aftonbladet cannot deal with it. It brings me back to that arrogance from last year. They whole hype, the 'we're sending a former winner, so we know we will win' attitude, to have her finish 12th in the semi, and lowly in the final. Talk to Swede's these days, and they refuse to admit the song was the biggest crapper since Ed Belfour stinking up Leksands goal in Kvalserien last year. Instead 'Europe doesn't understand what good music is'...well if they wouldn't send such garbage, then you'd realize that Europe for once was right with this song.

Thats all for now, need to take my medication...